I don’t know how to articulate what I am feeling—so much has happened and even though you are no longer here, I am talking to you and wanting to share with you because for a such a brief and cherished time, I was your mom.
I want to share the story of you and how you have changed our lives even though you were only here for 6 weeks and 2 days.
Your story began in January as we prepared for our egg retrieval with multiple daily injections and ongoing cycle monitoring. Once our eggs were retrieved we eagerly awaited to hear if fertilization had occurred. The next day we heard that fertilization had happened, and you instantly became our baby. We then fretted each day over the updates about how you were doing; we wanted for you to survive so much. Thankfully, you kept growing until day 5 and then were frozen. We would wait a few months before we prepared for a transfer. I needed time to heal from the retrieval and we wanted to ensure my body was optimal for you to grow.
It felt as if our transfer day would never come but we prepared accordingly with the hormones and cycle monitoring. We were happy and relieved that everything was going well. The day of our transfer was full of excitement and hope. So much preparation for this moment; this was what we had been waiting for. Your daddy and I were full of anticipation for what we would hope to come! Our transfer was a beautiful process, how could it not be, this was part of your story. Daddy and I held hands and we (even our doctor) envisioned all that you could be.
For the next week and a half we prayed, hoped, and looked obsessively for symptoms that were indicative of pregnancy. And while we waited we were fortunate that those symptoms did come! Although we didn’t officially know if we were pregnant yet, we thought we were pregnant! I was starving, nauseous, and tired!!! All amazing signs and we were so thrilled! So after much hesitation, I went out and purchased two pregnancy tests.
Early one morning before our clinic schedule blood test, I decided I was going to do a test. I went into the bathroom with extremely shaky hands and my heart beating rapidly, and I peed on the stick! (Daddy and I never test early we find it to be extremely stressful and discouraging if we get a negative.) And so I waited…and for the first time ever two lines appeared! We were PREGNANT!!!
I ran into our bedroom and whispered into your daddy’s ear, we were pregnant! We cried full of joy! When our clinic confirmed our pregnancy in the coming days, we were so so happy! This was happening, you were inside me.
We had another ultrasound a few days later and for reasons we don’t understand we found out you were gone. The beautiful flicker of your heartbeat had stopped and we are desperately missing you. That ultrasound was quiet and I felt the technician holding the wand and waiting…a little movement and waiting again… A few moments later she said, “I can’t find the heartbeat, I am so sorry.” Time stopped.
But your heartbeat was just there I pleaded inside. Please don’t let this be true.But it was true, this was our truth. Daddy leaned over and held me. By this time the technician had removed the wand and she said, “I will give you some time.” Daddy and I held each other without words. When we came out from the ultrasound room, we went to wait to speak with a doctor about next steps that I didn’t want to hear—a truth that I wanted to be wrong, but it was true. You were gone.
We had an extremely compassionate doctor who rubbed my arm and shared that there was nothing that I could have done and that losing you is part of life. We didn’t want this to be part of ours, we want you. After a few moments came the discussion about the logistics of what having a miscarriage entails and I find this to be the most traumatic. Misoprostal, pills that bring on contractions to shed your uterine lining. It is painful, and the worst part is it absolutely heart wrenching to lose all that was supposed to signify life. We left the clinic with heavy hearts, not knowing what to say but full of tears.
Someone once told me that when you lose a little one in a miscarriage that it means the timing was not right and that the baby will come around when the time is right. I don’t know if this is true but right now I find this to very comforting because it gives us hope. We don’t know why you couldn't stay but in the short time you were here you blessed us with beautiful memories:
For the first time, I peed on a stick and got that wonderful big fat positive!
When we shared with your sister that a baby was coming she said, “It will be fun!”
Sharing our loss of you with friends and family has been hard because we all wanted you so much. And so for now, we are taking each moment as it comes and one day at a time. You are our second loss. The first time we suffered quietly and we felt terrible that we did not include our family in the joys of being pregnant only the loss that occurred. This time we had shared our pregnancy with family because we wanted to share our joys of you with them, because in each pregnancy our lives have changed.
We will continue to hope to grow our family and believe in the possibility of us being parents again.
Your Mommy, Daddy, Big Sister, and Furry Sister