Our 2015 year ended full of hope when received the call from our fertility clinic that we would be able to start our 2016 year with an Ontario government funded IVF cycle! The 2016 year for our family is ending a lot differently than anticipated but we remain to be hopeful for 2017.

Recently my husband said to me, “Imagine if we knew when we started what infertility would really be like?” Never could we have anticipated our journey 8 years later. What follows are my reflections of our most recent fertility experiences.

In the past year of living with infertility my husband and I have found it has become much harder. Harder than we ever could have imagined. Our most recent miscarriage has been difficult for me to recover from. The whole experience has been gruelling and I have found the grief I have had extremely difficult to alleviate. It wasn’t that I couldn’t see the beauty that surrounds me and the light in my daughter, but rather, I was devastated about the little one that we thought would grow and was now gone. Physically this miscarriage was a long process and emotionally I felt crushed.  I had recurring dreams where I would wake up panicked that I was once again having another miscarriage. My sleep was so disrupted and the continuous reminder of having a miscarriage was a lot to bare.  I feared more losses. I felt broken.

I began to question why I had become pregnant at all. Why have 3 pregnancies that all resulted in miscarriages? It has taken me a long time to realise that although the pregnancies were short and did not end the way in which we had hoped; I have beautiful memories from each pregnancy that I cherish.
In each of those pregnancies I believed my pregnancy would equate to a live birth even when I know the rates of miscarriages. Now I find myself wondering what if I would have celebrated each pregnancy for the moment I was in and not what I thought would be. I wonder how I could have been more present in each of those pregnancies celebrating the growth that was happening in that moment.

During the last few months I have been deeply worried about how we will continue to proceed with fertility treatment. I am afraid of more loss and so I repeatedly ask my husband, “Everything is going to be okay, right?” I have had a desperate need for reassurance about our future. He always responds,
“Yes we will be,” and in that moment I feel relief but it isn’t long before I feel overwhelmed again.
One day I was driving to our fertility clinic and my husband wasn’t there to reassure me that we would be okay. It was then that I knew I had to believe I had the strength to continue and in turn that we would be able to endure further treatment whether it be fertility or if we pursue other avenues for our family to grow. It was in that moment that I knew my reassurance had to come from within me. I had to feel my own will to persevere and belief in my own wholeness as a woman and my ability to mother.

Right now we are still healing as we prepare for our next steps to try again, and I have had to completely change how I have thought about pursuing fertility treatment. I always thought about my fertility as if we do this then this will happen; but, that is not at all what is happening. Our story has taken a different path. One that has been filled with incredibly beautiful moments and very difficult ones.  
We will continue to hope for our family to grow but I have let go of the ways in which I think it will happen. I have no idea how it will happen but I do know it will be a sweet ride.

In this moment our family is complete and any addition(s) would be welcomed into many open and loving arms. We have a daughter who amazes us each and every day. I have been fortunate to become pregnant 3 other times. Each time I think of those pregnancies I am warmed with love.

As the 2016 year comes to an end we are filled with gratitude for the #IVF4ON program. This program has changed our family’s lives and we still believe in tomorrow.

Our thoughts are with all of those who have had the opportunity with Ontario's Funded Fertiliity program and all of those who are receiving the call for the coming year. We wish you all of the best.
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Yours Truly,
Woman with DIGITS

#Ihavehadamisscarriage We have had 3 miscarriages. It is hard to believe. I recall moments when I have overheard hushed conversations of how long it took someone to have a child and whether or not they did. I realize that my husband and I are now a part of those hushed conversations with 3 consecutive miscarriages. We are still trying to make sense of our experiences and we grapple with how to proceed. I want to heal the parts of me that feel broken.

My husband recently said to me, “It wasn’t supposed to be this hard, just when we think we have gone through it all.” He is referring to the obstacles we have experiences with #infertility (medications, IUI’s, IVF retrievals, transfers, pregnancies, and miscarriages).  I don’t know what to say to him or what words would bring comfort. All I can say is “I guess you never really know.”

I think back a few weeks to days immediately following our miscarriage and I returned to work for the remainder of the week. This time we didn’t have signs of a miscarriage and to be honest my body kept showing pregnancy symptoms. We have been told sometimes it takes your body time to realise what is happening or I guess what is not happening. This information seems to go against everything we have ever thought about being pregnant, we thought the signs meant all was well. I guess not.  I went to work the day after we found out we had lost our little one. I did this because it was early in semester and it wasn’t a good time to take off. Even in the past with our previous miscarriages I only take the time off when I experience the physical process of miscarrying. As I reflect I wish I would have been kinder to myself. I needed time to grieve. I wish that I wasn’t afraid to share the loss I was experiencing and the grief for the pain I felt. I wanted to talk about it. We were devastated.

Not too long ago, I went to my follow up doctor appointment to confirm I was recovering from the miscarriage. Although recovering, I found out that not everything had passed when I took the misoprostol.  I had 2 options, I could take the misoprostol again or I could wait until my next menstrual cycle when the rest should pass. Why? I pleaded inside as I heard this information. I can’t go through that again… Ultimately I have elected to wait. At times when I think about it, I automatically hold my breath, this process still isn’t complete over. I wonder if I have made the right decision but at the same time I wonder how can the losses we have had ever be right. I guess it just is and we are still in it.

Our doctor shares with us that we can try again when we are ready or we can keep our embryos frozen for as long as we would like, “maybe forever” she says. “We will try again” I say “But not right now.”
I asked Rob “What if we have 3 more miscarriages?” He says, “What if we don’t.” It is that what if question that gives us hope and haunts us. I look at our daughter and she is all that we could ever hoped for and more. Our miscarriages have changed both my husband and I. We marvel at the miracle of life, the opportunity to be parents, and the power of love. In each moment we are reminded just how blessed we are to have our daughter.
 
This is the first time I have been aware of #PAIL and I am thankful for the many women and families who have shared their stories. Although I have cried many tears as I read what they have endured, I am grateful for their bravery. Both my husband and I have felt the isolation of experiencing miscarriages. We want to talk about it. We are who we are because of the losses we have had.

​With every breath we take we are filled with the profound love of the little ones who have been part of our life even when it is for such a short time.

Yours Truly,

Woman with DIGITS

Reflecting on where we were and now where we are as we continue to try and grow our family.
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A year ago our family attended the press announcement regarding Ontario’s funded IVF program by the Minister of Health Eric Hoskins. In December 2015 the funded #IVF4ON program began and we were thankful and excited to start a funded IVF cycle in January 2016. Now a year later from the announcement we remain grateful for the opportunity to be participating in #IVF4ON’s funded program although our life is a lot different from what we had envisioned.
 
I am not even sure when I was first introduced to the term infertility but I know that even as I became familiar with the word that I honestly had no idea what it could encompass. I didn't know that when living with infertility it has the capacity to creep into every aspect of one's life. As we continue to experience the highs and lows of infertility, I realised that I previously had a similar understanding about infertility as I did miscarriage. I knew what it meant but I had no idea what each looked like in real life.
 
My previous understanding of miscarriage prior to my experience with infertility included 2 primary moments in my life.

• In elementary school I had a teacher who had a miscarriage and I remember how hush hush the whole process was. Another teacher had informed us and we were not supposed to talk about it with anyone including the educator. After the discussion we were to resume our day to day activities and no one spoke of it again. Looking back I wish I would have given my teacher at the time a hug.
• My second encounter was during my placement during my bachelor of education. An educator was briefly sharing her and her husband’s desire for a child but had experienced many difficulties that included loss. At the time all I could think of is the question, “I wonder how she does it?” I never realized that she was sharing her story of infertility. Years later, I find myself wondering what her answer would have been because my husband and I have been in the world of infertility for 8 years and now are grappling with recurrent miscarriages.

During the summer we prepared for a second transfer from our funded IVF cycle. My husband and I quickly became aware that it was no longer the two of us invested in growing our family but so is our daughter. We have experienced many examples of how involved she is as we try to grow our family. When we arrive at the fertility clinic, our daughter announces loudly as we turn into the parking lot “We’re here!” Once we are in the clinic she knows the routine of where to go first and then can lead the way as I have bloodwork, an ultrasound, and a meeting with the nurse and doctor. She has sat on a chair and flipped through magazines as I have had procedures done. She has observed the posters and images in the clinic and when she sees the images of IVF retrieval, transfer, and implantation she shares with us “Baby Cece.” She is so aware. We are so proud of her story and now we see her pride in her own story.

​Our second transfer resulted in a positive pregnancy test and we hoped and prayed that this little one would stay. Unfortunately we have experienced another loss. This is our third loss and it keeps getting harder. I see my husband’s sorrow in his eyes, I feel it in my heart and I don’t know how to make this better. There are moments when I don’t know how we will persevere. We are so afraid of more loss. At this point we don’t have answers and we don’t know what it means or what are next steps are. We are simply trying to be, simply trying to heal.

In a moment of grief, our daughter came to me and asked “Mommy sad?” Before I could even answer she was in my arms giving me hug. “Why?” she asked. Such a hard question… and yet again, I was reminded we are all in this. “Because we would like you to have a brother or sister but we don’t know when that will be” is the only way I can think to answer her question. Together embraced we sat in silence.

We have had our daughter’s crib up in our baby room for a year now in hopes that soon it would be filled with a little one. Together my husband and I decided that it was time for us to take it down. We know it doesn’t mean children won’t be coming in our life but we know that it isn’t happening right now and we are grieving for what we thought would be.
 
We are fortunate that we do have frozen embryos and maybe we will get pregnant and deliver a healthy child or even children, and maybe we won’t. Maybe our other children will come into our lives in another way. We don’t know. We do know that our family will grow, not today, not tomorrow, but someday.
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In this moment we are grateful for the love we share and our daughter before us. She reminds us in each moment what a gift parenthood is. As we continue our path to growing our family we remain incredibly appreciative to be participating in the #IVF4ON program that believes in creating healthy families even though it is an experience we never could have envisioned.​

Yours Truly,

Your Woman with DIGITS

​When my husband and I decided to share our story as we hope to grow our family to support advocacy and awareness for #IVF and specifically #IVF4ON, we took a huge risk. Sharing our story has meant inviting people into our lives and exposing our vulnerabilities. We have not only experienced many joys but also grief.  I have been thinking a lot about how I would share our most recent experiences as we pursue growing our family. I was not sure how I could convey our experiences, thoughts, and emotions. In my journal I wrote this letter and I feel this is the most authentic way I can share what our experiences have been—what our story is.

Little one, you have a very special place in our hearts and we are full of love for you. We could see your future, we had envisioned your life, and we could imagine nothing but possibilities for you. You are what we had hoped for.

We will continue to hope to grow our family and believe in the possibility of us being parents again.

Love Always,             
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Your Mommy, Daddy, Big Sister, and Furry Sister
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